Day 84 started with the warm sun streaming through the windowpane as I heard cockney voices below. The plan for the day was that I would wait for my friend Helen in a coffee shop while she went to work for a couple of hours in Stretford . So I wandered along the street to find a coffee shop and settled myself in to write my blog and read .
It was a lovely moment, I was at peace with plenty of time to indulge in my thoughts , reflecting catching up with people and reading. I had a whole hour to drink my latte in a corner without stares or my own expectations . Sometime alone time is as precious and company.
Then we took the tube to the Royal Academy for the Summer Exhibition where we met my sister and Helen’s mum.. …. I was hungry at the time and we dashed into a supermarket but sadly all I could find was chocolate sundae that I could eat, so much choice for normal eaters but nothing apart from sweet stuff for the soft dieters , it’s just a good job I am not diabetic !!!
On entering the RA as usual, full of diverse art with an equally diverse range of people looking … I love people looking and I equally love looking at people looking. The Grayson Perry was totally the star of the show and made me want to read Rakes Progress .
I have been to this show for a few years now but while I was in the gallery I had an overwhelming thought of this is probably the last time now. I have a lot of thoughts about the ‘ last time now’ … Last time I will eat this maybe , last time I can drink a coffee or a wine maybe , last time I can get a train on my own maybe, last time I see this person maybe , last time , last time … It’s a bitter sweet feeling these last time moments as I want to savour every minute . I recall the last time I had normal meal out in a restaurant … It was in Wales with my friend Ruth and I ordered a lamb shank as I a thought it would be easy to eat and ordered lots of gravy … While I was eating this I part of me knew this might be the last time, I also recall waving my dear old friend from my Berlin days ,he visits me from Germany occasionally but when he got into the car I realised I might not see him again. I recall very very vividly the last lecture I delivered, I knew very well that was the last and although I struggled through it I am so glad that I knew so I could drink in the last moments . Fortunately the last therapeutic family session about a hear ago was equally cherished as I really fought with my slow voice to give advice to a struggling family as they patiently hung to my ever slurred word.
I guess that feeling might be in all of us terminally or not !!! Many of us will be having experiences every day that might be the last time , so they should be savoured regardless. It might be the last time your child holds their hands up to be picked up , the last time you can run a mile, the last time you smell the tropical air in a faraway country , the last time you share a day out with your parents, the last time you read a book by a particular author ….some may be trivial or significant.
For me the last times will get more and more frequent I know that but I have to learn not to want them back or feel bitter just let them go like the clouds pass by and accept .
I enjoyed the art because of that notion in my head, it didn’t make me sad but because I wanted to take it all in I did exhaust myself… The evening was quiet as I sat to a meal of lentil soup, cooked tomato and yoghurt thinking enjoy this Lindsay as it might be the last time I can eat anything soon !!! I guess appreciate what you have as it might be lost soon …
Living with MND 