Day 2 – Finding the light within

Woke up this morning with a painful mouth as my facial muscles are sagging in between my teeth and I bite my cheeks , it is so painful as my mouth is full of ulcers and wounds from biting. I was up and about early making bacon buttties for Joe and the decorator Lee. Cooking bacon is one of the hardest things,

This morning I spent time in the company with my friend Ken, autumn cleaning at the Buddhist Centre . While i was polishing the furniture I was thinking about how Russel emphasises that when you do a chores like cleaning , it is good to do it with care and concentration . So I tried this today and I relished how I was still able to clean and make a pleasant environment for others. This is a new role and we all need to roles in life my role isn’t a patient yet !!! My role has changed dramatically but I still feel like I am still useful . I felt I had accomplished something useful today but I was tired and had a rest when I returned home for a couple of hours.

When I entered the art group late the artist was already instructing the group to draw in a specific style , a useful session drawing with a continuous line. we all set to work with full concentration again? . Somebody sat next to me who I had never met before. As I was drawing I couldn’t just chat to her while I was drawing. Sometimes I just get so very frustrated and weary with tapping everything out on an iPad . I miss the discussions I used to have with people, my company must be so hard just using sounds, typing and mime.

I was tired, so I didn’t really bring our my iPad and I felt like an outsider to the group , I think the tutor suspected I couldn’t talk and his only communication to me was eye contact with me when he said “sometimes people learn to paint with their lips” , not me, my lips have gone!!!. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dark place and looking out on the world but I always remind myself that when I am in this dark place it is rare that I can enter the brightness from the elements outside of the door, things external to myself.It is within myself that needs to change, my internal world , my thoughts and feelings about the external world. So I need to look around my world and catch the joy, not to rely on the world bringing me joy …if that makes sense ? So in my darkened room I must find the joy there and then let myself out to appreciate the world .