I was On Day 85 I woke up feeling shipwrecked after yesterday but I was on dry land … Like this boat I felt battered and worse for wear …. But I was also determined fuelled by anger, I guess if I was to be honest !!! This is not going to spoil my days … I intended to go London for a few days …… So I told myself to get up !! get showered and wash yesterday all off the pain … Cleansing is so powerful a fight mood as I tidied up the house and packed a bag but there was one thing left to do which was to give myself water through this new and painful gastric tube insertion …. It is interesting as my thoughts this morning were ” I can do this”.. doubt was not going to be entertained , if let doubt crawl in through the back door I couldn’t go to London and my days would be wasted….
I do find it so interesting that when I think I am going to do this…. it’s like confidence appears from nowhere …. Try it… It really really works . Think of something that you think you cannot do and say to yourself ” I can do this ” let me know of your endeavours . I know my niece has done this and I am so very very proud of her as she went from nowhere to enrolling to train as a social worker as a single mum and two children , one of whom is autistic , anything is possible if you believe in yourself .
I will let you into a little secret that will not please many of my friends or my physiotherapist but I am going to do a sponsored walk on Friday , a 10k walk and I am going to try this technique … I am going to do it … I will take rests and it may take me all night but I am going to prove to myself that if you want to do meet a challenge badly you can !!!!
So…… I went to London, the interesting experience was on the train … The carriage was packed with bright young people going about their life and again I felt like the shipwrecked boat again , left abandoned from life . I left that everyone else was just getting on with their life … Going to parties, renting new flats, getting on with their careers, talking about future holidays , planning new education courses, organising meetings … I felt that my life has somehow stopped.
I felt a big lump in throat, I swallowed but that was hard ,I spluttered and coughed and drew attention to myself as people stared … I was writing to my son Sam on my iPad and their intrigue raised … I notice sideline looks , I felt embarrassed with my hawking cough I wanted to disappear , to be submerged again.. Then I saw giving me glances but instead of averting my eyes I looked them in the eye and gave them a beaming smile . I was amazed with that smile the space collapsed between us , it disappeared as they gave me a smile back . I really don’t know what happened but I felt that they were on my side .
I arrived into London with familiarity of my friends house and her daughter who accepts me and my deterioration of the weeks without question… Children are so very accepting and we chattered as we always do … She is an amazing child she just gets how to communicate with me without any complication , and off to bed with a milk and Greek brandy, which brought some memories back …
Living with MND 
Linzi – you take my breath away – you “bold” women – your “bold” articulations – wake me and shake me and help me take nothing for granted in my world view. I would have loved to have filmed those interactions on the train! Enjoy the “stinky London” life in all its cosmopolitan spender! And all power to your feet and will ! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa
P.S In southern Irish dictionary – bold = naughty. As in that’s a “bold” child. Said many a time about my ” bold” Betty!
Go naughty LInzi!
Go, go Robinson Crusoe, I like your style!! Doing something to distract yourself from negative thoughts has to be good, I am so impressed. Glad to hear you are recovering a little from yesterday’s traumas.
It’s not something I’d thought about before but what about a little laminated card that just says “I have Motor Neurone Disease, which means I can’t speak but I can hear and understand you perfectly”. Delivered with a smile, I would have thought it would be a significant help. Remember we are all afraid of what we don’t know or don’t understand and that goes for all those people staring at you and wondering what’s wrong…. They don’t understand so they’d rather avoid, but if you help them to understand their reaction might be different?
I have a message on my iPad its just having the courage to show it !!!! Getting used to using in shops and meeting now ….
Similar to your experiences, the downside of plowing ahead full speed seems pretty small to me these days. What could possibly be harder or more damaging that what is already on our plates? So, full speed ahead. Just leave some of London for me to visit in July. And good luck on your 10K – one step at a time. Stuart
Agree completely, you’re determination to make every day count, no matter what, is a lesson to us all as no one knows what is around the corner, much love
Abbiex
We should all smile at people more often What a wonderful thing to do Linzi when you were feeling so intimidated. You are amazing !!
Have a wonderful time in London I am really looking forward to hearing about it. Xxx
Thank you … What a lovely comment ,,,much appreciated !!
When are you in London ..why don’t you come up North ?
Sadly, we have only four days in London – July 23 – 27.