Blog 45- Make your foes friends

It was Ruth birthday,she came from a weekend with her friends in the Lake District and she visited her mum and we went to Llanbedrog in the boathouse. The view was from the bedroom in the photograph. We went to Aberdaron, it was sunny day and Ruth walked on the beach and we went to community chapel. I wrote a message on a stone to my husband Tim, there were a pile of stones with messages and they put the stones in the sea every month.

We went to Oreil (art gallery) behind the boathouse I saw wonderful pictures of the sea by Ceri Auckland Davies and linocut by Ian Philips. When we got to our boathouse it was raining, Ruth built a fire and we watched a film, it was so cosy. The balcony was wonderful the sea was under my feet. When we went to sleep I heard the whooshing of the tide on the rocks. We went to Bodnant gardens on the way back, it was fresh air and i smelled autumn leaves, I love autumnal sunlight. MND has opened my eyes to the wondrous world we live in.

When we got back I had a terrible fall, on my head and my pelvis.I am nervous about walking so I sit on the couch most of the time. The district nurses.Ronnie and Claire they are stars***** I have a long wait about a year to see the community dentist and they had a word and the dentist came yesterday, he was so nice and treated my mouth !! McMillion nurse came and they respect my wishes to not prolong my MND. I think they understand the emotional pain alongside the physical pain.

I have been reflected on my life while I have time to contemplate. I thinking anger is a waste of energy, I get frustrated and angry with MND and take on people close to me,especially about food. I have been angry, frustrated and upset when people eat next to me and I can see the ingredients and smell the flavours and I can’t share the meal. I think it is itch my heart as I can’t eat, that’s not their fault it’s MND. I need to communicate and not get angry. People don’t understand as eating food is a social activity it’s unusual to can’t eat food.

When people fall out it mostly when they don’t understand the other’s viewpoint and anger obstructs communication.I haven’t made many adversaries in my life but I haven’t got on with specific people. I think when you oppose individuals,it’s deep in you emotional ‘blueprint’ and triggers are habitual. You want to defend yourself and you don’t recognise that there is another view on the issue.I think we have to get a sense of the battle, so many battles are trivial and it’s not worth the energy. Life is more important then scratchy itches with family and friends. So today approach a friend or family you have fallen out and communicate and get sense of the argument and communicate.

Day 88 – Liverpool makes my heart beat faster

I was excited today as we were all making a cultural visit to Liverpool. As soon as see the Mersey and the familiar Scouse accents my heart beats faster. The city where I was so happy. Returning from late night parties on the ferry, meeting Tim under the particular blossoming cherry tree in Sefton Park ( we didn’t have mobiles then) , nights in the Casablanca club painting our faces with snakes and butterflies, cycling to college with the lovely Helen where we learnt pottery, art, printing, gardening and of course basket work. Demonstrating against the National Front , Mandela being imprisoned and the Guildford Four with massive paper mâché heads we made of Thatcher and Reagan. Being so proud of my Tim as I went the opening of his photography exhibition at the Open Eye Gallery of photographs when he twinned Liverpool with Corinto in Nicaragua.

Sorry , so memories flood into my mind at the moment it’s like I have to capture everything and share it while I can . On arriving we ventured to the Walker Gallery and as soon arrived I just had to dash into the room I love and just be there…. absorbing all the marble sculptures and the chaos of creativity and history in one room . We then went to view my contemporaries ;Rankin’s ‘The Face of Death’, an honest and intelligent, creative exhibition of people facing their final moments . It was so refreshing to witness a display of a subject we hide away from but I can’t I felt comfortable and accepted amongst them strangely .

In the sunshine and the wind we then made our way to the dockside in search of the Chagall exhibition at the Tate passing Liverpool grandeur of days gone by . I refused to let my aching hips, tired legs and numb foot get in the way of my pleasure of seeing this man who had so many faces of vision , colour and ingenuity . It was five o clock when we our thirst for culture was satisfied, but hunger for food was not. Ruth sorted me a chocolate mousse but I was so hungry for real nourishing food!

The evening concluded with a return to the lovely Lebanese restaurant , I managed to eat but I noticed the difference from Day 97 when I went with my sister . Every mouthful was filled with anxiety of choking and I was conscious of getting the food in my mouth rather than smeared on my lips as my lips and tongue were just not rousing to the challenge. The white wine I enjoyed then was no longer a pleasure, more of a risk and my hands were so much more stiffer as I tried to keep up with conversation. I learnt then not to try and repeat the good times in my 100 days as the deterioration becomes more prominent.

The day concluded well with my lovely sons and long suffering victims of friends, but we smiled broadly at old photographs as more memories gushed in while my sons mixed up a White Russian, my favourite cocktail in the knowledge that my drinking days are very nearly concluded.