Spent a morning feeling normal as I went shopping , I am now quite confident going into shops using my iPad, a few months ago I wouldn’t have done this. I returned home and spent the rest of the day alone. I am getting used my own company now , prior to MND I I would have felt very sad having a Saturday evening alone but I planned out my day including preparing for the event on Saturday and to go out and take some photographs of the dramatic dusk .
As I wondered around Chorlton Ees, I saw everyone eating, drinking and chatting as I passed the bars and cafes. I reflected on how my life has changed as I was limping down the path passing people running and cycling and my mood was going lower and I then it occurred to me that I might see someone I knew as I didn’t want them to see me in this state, then I realised I was judging myself and this experience negatively.
I thought of something I read a while ago about judging your own experiences. Here I am judging my own experience , my pain, my appearance and my activity and I viewed them all negatively. Instead I tried to become neutral, instead of judging my experience as bad or good as how will judging everything help me, I just need to experience them and maintain neutrality.
So I did , I tried to focus my attention to the experience I was having instead of me and my ego. I noticed the the brilliant scarlet Rowan berries, the silverly – grey bark on the trees, the quintessential fragrance of the Indian Balsam as it lined the brook , the sheen of the cobbles after the rain . My mood lifted as I got into the experience rather than judgment. I think I still need to practice this as it is a hard concept but when I get pain it might be useful .