Had a rest day today trying to nurture myself and tidying up the house and getting rid of useless possessions that are cluttering the house up. Spent the day in my own company. I was running with thoughts from seeing the film ‘I am breathing’. I think it affected my profoundly not in particularly bad way but I think it confronted the terminal nature of the illness as I once again choked on chicken soup. I hate to say it but I am relying in the tube monster more every day. I think food and drink will be off the agenda real soon which fills me with sadness.
What is life about ? If there is a purpose of my illness what is it ? Russell my Buddhist teacher reckons that our aim of life is to be more comfortable ….. I think too many people aim to make their life comfortable by means of possessions , gadgets and luxuries. What about emotional comforts, being comfortable in yourself. As I approach death I have a strong desire to be comfortable in myself . I have realised when I have high disturbing emotion I set myself aside and observe myself in the situation. If I do this I can understand the situation without that highly charged emotion and try to understand that is my thoughts that often make me upset.
I think it is good for me to observe the thoughts that make me upset or the thoughts that upset others and try to recognise those devilish thoughts and dismiss them. I am getting better at being comfortable in my own skin now as I recognise those thoughts that make me sad , angry and upset.
Thank you everyone for your kind inspiration and support through the comments to this blog, emails and texts … It’s good to know I have support out there , love you all !