I felt rested as I greeted the day but struggling with phlegm in my chest so another try with the ‘cough assit ‘machine again.It’s was a bright day and friends are coming around and looking forward to catching up, Ann came around with some elegant pastel coloured Gladioli and to help me plant out some trays of small star shaped and vibrant green succulents and sweet fragrant blue lavenders. The exertion of planting out made me fall into a depth of deep fatigue, I was breathless and lightheaded and every limb felt like a heavy weight was tired to every joint, the world seemed surreal.
I guess I had a sense of what it it could have been like during a famine but unlike me the victims famine had to work with no food … how exhausting is that? I can’t imagine how it was for people who have to work with no food and punished for not having energy, as in the concentration camps under Hitler or labour camps under Stalin. Today we still have people dying of malnutrition and hunger under exploitation of third world countries which exacerbates famine. In my situation I have more empathy for these people as they too have no future and are surviving from day to day .
It is interesting how the comparison with someone worse off than you helps minimise the distress.There is always someone who has to bear more cruelty and misfortune then yourself. So I am fortunate that I don’t need to work, I have a choice of sleeping when I want to , I have a choice of putting food down my tube and I can keep warm under cold conditions and most important I have access to friends and family to give me support.
One such support was Ann , as she leaves , I relish the ability to lie down on the couch , the doors are open to invite a gentle breeze into the room , I slip into a disturbed dream which pulls my heartstrings as images intrude my mind of hugging the Sam for the last time, his arms are wrapped around me, I can feel his warmth on my cold skin , I wake myself up and realise tears are creeping down my cheeks.
I hear the 2pm news on the radio and the chaos in Egypt and the injustice of the military and police. My stomach is cramping and I realise I haven’t eaten today , but I have no appetite, I check out the fridge and empty another portion of soup into the pan . I manage a few spoons until the fluid rests in my mouth as I can’t swallow any more. I empty the remains down the sink with relief that I have tried . I realise that I haven’t used food via my tube for over week . It wasn’t a conscious decision to stop feeding but it somehow feels right, I can’t explain but I am sure I am going to have to explain myself soon.
My friend Chris then called by , it was like a breeze of energy and sunshine she entered the house with sweet scented sweet peas freshly picked from her garden . I felt instantly connected with her as we chatted about our lives and what makes our beat faster. I felt real again , I felt like I was alive as we made some small plans connected with living . Karina then came a few hours later and distracted me as we again talked her life , work and family , just those normal things which I used to part of. We also talked of my fears and anxieties of the future. We sat outside and the evening was beautiful as the house martins dived around the long shadows of the trees and sky grew darker as the rain clouds gathered to greet the night sky .