I woke up to my hands cramping and my legs felt that they were plugged into the electricity . The sky was grey and I felt myself in another day with an MND struggle . I tried to shower my dark thoughts off but they were not superficial enough to be washed of so easily , so I dressed and went downstairs, My mates had gone running along the coastal path , my very favourite activity ! I used to get rid of my low mood , anger or stress my running I miss it so much .
I felt my mood dip so I tried to paint, this did not work and i could feel my heart getting heavier so I decided to go for a walk and give myself a good telling off ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself LIndsay and do it anyway !!! ‘ . So I embarked on the path and trailed potato and barley fields to get onto the costal path . I had to climb over fences but I couldn’t weight bear enough and fell into a clump of nettles .
Being alone is less stressful as I can go at my own pace and rest when I want to . It was beautiful, the cries of the seagulls above the crashing waves below , the smell of the broom and heathers and the sea itself. The wonderful array of wild flowers that lined the path in hues of purple and yellow . The expanse of sea as the wind wrapped around me and took me to another place.
On my return I was tired but everyone had planned to go sandcastle building on the sands and I wanted to join them . I gave my all , in the competition of building a sandcastle then standing on it and the last one standing as the tide comes in wins. Sadly the tide didn’t reach the castles but it was still fun .
I then had time out reading , after a while Betsey came up and told me my tea was ready , I came down and realised that it was another awkward moment As sloppy food wasn’t on the menu . didn’t feel hungry anyway so made a quick exit back to my room.
When I am with a large group of people the isolation of MND accentuates everything , the loneliness is amplified and the limitations become acute. I wanted to empty my frustration and sorrow as I realised my life is just going to get harder and harder until it ends.I didn’t want to stop the laughter and merriment of my friends so I went for a walk around the harbour to get my Buddhist head on.
The harbour was grey and the persistent rain ran through the streets .I could hear people enjoying the freedom of holiday time as laughter and merriment burst out of the restaurants and pub windows . My original idea of meditating by the sea was not possible so I just walked until I was drenched and came back . Sam as usual was the there to allow me to articulate my feelings and he and Alice brought me back to the world with empathy and respect.