Another sorting day , packing for Cornwall and making the house fit to leave …why do I need to do this ? I always need to make the house good to come back to, but I guess one day I will not come back ….. So I try to de clutter the house , throw things out I will never need again ..
Sadness as I throw out my walking boots , no more walks up the mountains and down the fells .
Sadness as I throw out my running shoes , no more runs through the country lanes , on the seashore at sunset, no charity runs any more.
Sadness as put aside to give away all my therapy books , no more therapy sessions where I can use my skills and knowledge to improve minds and souls.
I walk around and wonder what will become of the house when I am gone. Will happy people gather around the fire in the garden on a summer night, cook sumptuous meals as autumn bears fruit ,put the christmas tree up with joy filling the house with the scent of freshly cut pine, spring clean and distribute spring bulbs around the house ?
I feel detached as I struggled to climb up the stairs putting away my life , organising for whoever will take over. I guess this is the process of letting go of my world , gradually , drip by drip , slowly , persistently as MND takes over my body , autonomy , independence but not my spirit . My sprit will never die. Some people say I am stubborn , pig headed , obstinate but that is my spirit , my fighting spirit, the essence of who I am .
I must adapt this fights as the rest of my life is now like helterskelter either climb up the steep stairs or I let myself lie on the mat of MND on a downward spiral . Today is the first day when I have experienced severe pain in my hip on walking . I am now aware that my ability to be mobile is so precious these days as I think the wheelchair we come out of the shed very soon now and painkillers os nearly on the agenda. I want to shout out in anger and frustration but MND deprives that as well.