I woke up this morning positive and cheerful, shopping and cleaning up , doing my emails and crossing off things in my list to do … Then I trotted off to the chest clinic at Whythenshawe Hospital with my sister Sue.
The consultant was really helpful , considerate and mature communicating skills, but he did say in his pleasant manner that my cough was too weak and I needed a cough assessment.Sadly it was too weak after I coughed into a spirometer and he consequently referred me to the physio who also very kind but hearing that the weakness had started in my chest muscles was hard to hear .. It was like a bullet through my chest , I felt like I had been shot … I guess it’s the reality … I can ignore it most of the time and just cope with the symptoms but when it’s read out to you by the medics it becomes reality. The physio told me he was coming tomorrow with a cough machine to help me raise pressure in my lungs . Another procedure to cope with and more time devoted to medical procedures .
I left feeling like lead had seeped into my shoes , the tears didn’t reach my face but they drenched my heart as I returned home . I tried to meditate through it but the feelings were too powerful and the thoughts were coming so fast I just couldn’t catch them .
Joe came back from holiday and Sam arrived home for a while and as I was trying to communicate it all came out wrong … I wanted to throw the iPad through the window and the tears then surfaced and very fibre of my weak muscles felt tense and the tears the came rolling . My family where so supportive which includes Ruth and they just hugged me while I tried to breathe through my snuffled blocked up nose which I couldn’t blow as my muscles couldn’t get an exhalation strong enough ..
But when the boohoo subsided I felt such a relief , tired I felt that a storm had blown over but it was a storm that was brewing for some time … Sometimes a good cry and expression of emotion is so therapeutic. I try to be strong as long as I can but I guess I am just a human being and so I cried . When did crying become a bad thing ? something to be ashamed of ?when did this occur in the evolution of human beings? I guess it evolved from war and showing weakness and maybe I am at war with my MND . I don’t want it to let it in.